Well, I guess that's it for this edition of Letters to the Webmaster. Nothing else to discuss... except perhaps
THE WINNERS IN THE BUNGIE WEBMASTER'S POETRY SLAM AND HOOTENANNY!
There were many entries in the Poetry category (much to my chagrin) but only two in the music category. The anxiously-anticipated recording of Ringo Starr and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing "The Webmaster Stomp" failed to materialize. I kept extending the deadline but it never showed up. Thanks for nothing, Ringo. "The friendly Beatle" my ass.
Anyway, let's get the songs out of the way, shall we? They were the toughest to decide.
First prize (one boxed copy of Oni on his platform of choice, autographed by the development team) goes to Carsten Hoefer for his song "Traitor". With it's repeated use of Doug Zartman's girlish scream and a vocal track entirely in German, this charming ditty stole my heart. Carsten says "The story's about a guy who after an alien invasion feels called upon by some higher entity to save the world. A typical alpha male, he promptly grabs his guns and sets out to liberate his fellow humans. But as he's just about to accomplish this noble task, some spray bullets of his hit some unsuspecting bystanders. Fickle humanity turns against him and the guy gets killed in the end. Alien victory is ensured." If that's not the feel-good hit of the year, what is?
Coming in a very close second, and thus winning Second Prize (one free CD of Metal Machine Music by Lou Reed - an hour-long burst of grating feedback which is one of the Bungie Webmaster's Desert Island Discs - and one "Early Times" CD by ex-Bungie soul man David Joost's band The Wild Hell Dogs) is Chris Pruett with his tender ballad "That Bastard". Perhaps the first song to celebrate my brilliant achievements in webmastery, "That Bastard" moves with the slow, malicious atmosphere that characterizes Letters page updates. The insulting lyrics are the icing on the cake, and frankly, if Chris sang this one in German he'd have walked away with first prize.
Now we come to the poetry, perhaps the most justly maligned art form. These entries will do nothing to change that.
First prize (one boxed copy of Oni on his platform of choice, autographed by the development team) goes to Andrew Champion's "Ode to the Bungie Webmaster." Andrew's poem manages to rhyme, even in 1337-speak, and conveys something of the grandeur and majesty in my day-to-day life. Yes, it really is that bad.
Ode to the Bungie Webmaster
Where darkened halls a campus form,
While Bill his porn browsing does perform,
Types a webmaster, unlike norm,
For he is The Bungie Webmaster (tm), his fingers in storm.
"w3bm4st3r: halo wil sux" reads the first line;
Reply: "You confused NSync.com's URL with mine."
So he upon the AOLer's ignorance does dine
With a liberal dose of sarcasm as wine.
But could the next demand be worse still?
"k1|| b1||, 0r 1 w1|| |_|z3 [V]y |-|@x0r sk1||!"
In this response he seeks no great thrill,
"Weren't you my Turkish cellmate, Will?"
So on through tedious mail does he tread,
Yet so brave is he "You've got mail!" brings no dread,
For he crushes all with fingers of lead;
No thought of mercy rest in his head.
And this poem will he regard a bore
To be filed away in /dev/null with more,
But always I can hear his triumphant voice roar:
"FROG BLAST THE VENT CORE!"
Second prize (one copy of Poetry for Dummies - to be published in January) goes to Dylan Consla for "An Elegy for PID." Dylan went out on a metric limb with this one: "Remember how you said you'd like a change of pace, such as iambic pentameter or free verse? Well, I decided to take that one step further and use the meter of Latin love elegy: alternating dactylic hexameter and pentameter lines (the pentameter is split into two two-and-a-half foot sections). It even has the correct pattern of Dactyls and spondees as feet.... using the Latin scansion rules on English words, so of course it doesn't really work." Well Dylan, now you see what happens when you break the rules.
An Elegy to PID
I wish I had a Macintosh for I would like to test PID,
But I, poor fool bought, not knowing tru7h before me,
windows. Now windows is sufficient for many good games,
But I think of PID, and hate it till closure comes.
Third and final prize goes to Nicholas Yu for an untitled Haiku. He sent in several, but this is the best of the bunch - which really says something. We certainly hope he enjoys his Third Prize: a roll of toilet paper featuring the text of his poem.
I face ridicule
From the Bungie Webmaster.
Please get off my mom.
All you winners, be sure to send me an email at email@example.com so we can work out the details of sending out your prizes.