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|Title: VH1 Behind the Music...Marathon||Submitted By:Yossarian|
NOTICE: THIS WAS IN NO WAY INTENDED TO OFFEND ANY MEMBERS OF BUNGIE OR ITS FAN COMMUNITY. IT IS SIMPLE (poor) HUMOR. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
It all started innocently enough on the campus of the University of Chicago in late 1993. An aspiring college dropout has an extraordinary revelation: It is better to be THE MAN than to work for THE MAN-ish. This being realized, the then younger but only now young Alexander Seropian quit his job at the women's prison and began his career as a music producer.
Although he had no experience in music production, recording, theory, practice, distribution, editing, mixing, or sampling, Seropian was able to eventually assemble the second-greatest rock super group the world has ever known in the history of recorded sound and image. Seropian explains:
"I needed help putting some stuff together when I found Jason Jones eating Mexican food out of a can at a drive-thru liquor store and pharmacy on the upper-north-side and asked him if he wanted to help me assemble the second-greatest rock super group the world has ever known in the history of recorded sound and image. His answer was, like, 'sure, I'll help you assemble the second-greatest rock super group the world has ever known in the history of recorded sound and image'. And I was like, cool."
Thus began an artistic collaboration between two geniuses that would rival musical powerhouses such as Captain & Tenille and Milli Vanilli.
Luckily for Alex, Jones did have extensive knowledge in all things musical, except for musical taste, of which he apparently had none. However Seropian's lack of skill and Jones's lack of taste made for the most poorly conceived record in history: a twelve minute collage of pure radio static occasionally graced with the sounds of Jones talking in his sleep. The aptly titled "ffffsshshhhsffhhs..nno,nno go'way mmf...fffsssshhhhshshhshhs" was instantly hailed by the Center for Ridiculous Art Promotion (CRAP) as the recording of this century and Seropian and Jones were given over 12 million dollars in government grants to continue their efforts in pioneering the frontiers of art and music.
12 million dollars worth of doughnuts and recording equipment later, the duo was ready for some big-time recording. Auditions were held in Chicago. "We're looking for enthusiastic (desperate) and flexible (cheap working) artists that are willing to share with us the most of their talent (make us filthy, filthy rich)" a hopeful Jones was commented as saying in an advertisement in a dishwasher and other heavy appliances catalogue. Although several artists did show up and perform, none of their pathetic plastic tripe was quality enough for these two men to want to produce. Those artists later formed a group called Pearl Jam, but faded away into obscurity shortly after doing so.
Just as J-Jo and Al-Diddy (as their powerful Hollywood and Wall St. friends were now calling them) started to give up hope, four guys came out of no where looking for a chance to become stars. The audition was extended, and the rest, as they say, is history.
The band known today as the UESC All-Stars was born. On percussion was a centuries old AI computer who called himself Freshy-D (Durandal Chester Kozakwercizctizwicz). Ripping out the best guitar solos the world knew was The Marine, who was known to often times stand trance like at terminals for hours at a time. Playing bass was the blue-suited alien named Pfhor Fingers (although he really only had six total, unless you subtract the thumbs, then it really is FOUR, although not necessarily....ah, forget it). And last but not definitely least was the handsome and enigmatic lead singer who was known simply to the world as "BOB".
Upon recording the album "Arrival", Journey enjoyed several more hits, but this isn't about Journey, so let's move on.
The first album recorded by the UESC All-Stars was "An Ex-Security Officer Sings the Blues". Recording went quite smoothly and the relaxed and laid back atmosphere allowed for some interesting exchange of dialogue between the two producers as well as the artists:
Alex: Hey Jason, do you think we need to do an overdub for track 2?
Jason: Hey Alex, No, YOUR MOM.
Alex: Hey Jason, could you please hand me the stapler?
Jason: Hey Alex, No, YOUR MOM.
Alex: Hey Jason, do you think we should call it a day?
Jason: Hey Alex, No, YOUR MOM.
Alex: Hey Jason, YOUR MOM!
Jason: Now really Alex, where is your sense of artistic integrity?
The Marine: Can I have the rocket launcher now?
The Marine: How bout now?
The Marine: Can I have it now?
The Marine: Youre so smart and cool.
Freshy-D: I said no.
With the release of the single "Magnum (.44) Suite", the band had its first hit. Although the song had absolutely no cuss words and actually promoted such ideas as honor, self-preservation, and the neutering and spaying of stray pets, the song was immediately banned by the Ignorant Parents for Responsible Music solely because of the song title. The band's next attempt at a hit was called "Ignorant Parents for Responsible Music Can Kiss Our Toned and Tattooed Asses". The song immediately shot up to number one as 13-17 year-olds everywhere who were anxious to piss off their parents snatched copies off the shelf.
The responses by band members were mixed. The planet-sized ego of Freshy-D expanded even further. The Marine simply shrugged while Pfhor Finger's third eye concentrated on the fly buzzing around it's head. The obviously excited BOB was quoted as shouting "THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
The UESC All-Stars were quick to follow up with yet another hit: "DOOM SUX". The song, written together by the four members, was an emotional and heartfelt heavy satanic death-rock song. A sampling of the lines include: "We actually have a storyline you pukes", "BLAM!" and "We got radioactive green goo...how about you..." Everyone everywhere bought copies of the album causing it to go past gold, past platinum, and past quintuple platinum straight into "Purple Bald Eagle Head" and "Holy Grail" territory. In fact, this album is not expected to leave The Billboard top 40 until February 2178.
It should be noted that several die hard DOOM fans as well as certain dentists did NOT buy this single. They stole it.
The UESC All Stars were now bona fide worldwide rock gods. A worldwide tour was schedualed and the shows were to be the largest and most complex stage productions ever assembled. The tour required 137 18 wheelers, 123 tour busses, the space shuttle launch pad, the removal and trasportation of Carnegie Hall and The Statue of liberty as well as one of those mobile snack bars, you know, for refreshments. The show itself consisted of 3006 specially and individually trained zoo animals, The complete royal family of Spain (living and dead), Jennifer Lopez, 12 thousand tons of fireworks, 96,000 colored lights, 2000 non-colored lights, 17 burnt out lights, a fully functional MacDonalds, Ralph Nader, a complete reconstruction of the Mayflower, as well as 23,000 member orchestra which only played a total of 23 seconds on only one of the All-Stars songs.
Since concert halls and stadiums were too small for the shows, Jones and Seropian had entire cities bulldozed beforehand in order to make room for the show. At the Boston concert, Pfhor Fingers pulled some strings and got his alien friends to abduct the audience at the end of "Conditioned Ranks". This was the best and by far the coolest special effects event ever performed anywhere in the histories of all the dimensions combined. Unfortunately there was some kind of mix up and the alien ship never returned the concert goers.
Within 5 months the band released two more albums: "Airlock Love" and "Spanky the Wonder Chicken Flies Again". Both were unbelieveable smash hit albums, "Airlock Love" went Multi-multi platinum. "Spanky", as the album was commonly known, only sold a disappointing 50 million copies in Nebraska alone.
The lives of the band members themselves were beginning to show remarkable, though perhaps superfluous and fleeting accomplishments. Freshy-D began designing his very own brand of thick, heavy woolen designer arctic survival jackets, which sold especially well among urban youth in such cities as Miami, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Houston, and other large metropolitan areas found in tropical and desert climates. The Marine began a small career in film with cameo's in Scream 6 and Star Wars, Episode III: The Last Squeeze of the Cash Cow. Pfhor Fingers was promoted among the pfhor bureaucracy and was now allowed bathroom breaks while guarding sections 783.4 through 783.42. BOB was given an honorary Linguistics degree from Harvard.
To anyone on the outside, it would seem the playing and producing powerhouse that was Seropian/Jones/Freshy-D/Marine/Pfhor/BOB was unstoppable and so completely stable. This couldn't have been more from the tru7h.
Much of the frustration began when Freshy-D felt that BOB wasn't singing the lyrics Freshy wrote as passionately as BOB's own lyrics. Freshy-D explains:
"It was quite a difficult experience indeed. I was writing beautiful collages of ancient chinese poetry mixed with aptly emotional yet witty Victorian snippets, some quality work if I should be allowed to say. Anyways, the line I wrote would be something like 'If it were only that that this night should not but be held forever in your sweet, sweet memory' but BOB would simply sing it as 'THEY'RE EVERYWHERE, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE, THANK GOD IT'S YOU.' Really quite depressing.
Not only this, but to add to the tension, The Marine would often times simply shoot pfhor fingers out of sheer reflex. On top of that, BOB was acting strange (BOB always acted strange its just that no one noticed until now). Often times he would run into a room screaming and then suddenly stop until someone bumped into him. Other times he would run into a doorway when one was trying to pass through and jam one in. The only was to get out was to make him run away again by punching him. Additionally, BOB was known to sometimes spontaneously combust, showering the audience smelly yellow blood.
The tensions between the members were getting just too much for Freshy-D. Citing 'creative difficulties' as the cause of leaving, Freshy fled the band. The remaining members however, cited 'wetware chip incompatibility and cocaine addiction' as Freshy's real motives for leaving.
Seropian got a nameless S'pht compiler to replace Freshy on drums, but its total lack of arms made this an ineffective solution. Pfhor Fingers was accidently fried when The Marine obtained a flamethrower. The Marine fell into a pool of liquid radioactive goop and died. BOB, who had absolutely no training in weapons kept the trigger engaged on a fusion pistol just to see what would happen.
Normally, such tragedy would have ruined any band, however the members had commited their matrixes to a pattern buffer shortly before and simply started the week over.
The group tried to revive its glory days but this turned out to be more difficult than previously imagined. Trying to take on a whole all new in-your-face-bad-boy-immature-bubblegum-pop image, the band released the album 20/10 Pak..WHAZZUP!?. The album tanked in every market (except for France, which seems to like that stuff). In 1997, the band officially dissolved.
So where are the members of the UESC All-Stars now?
Freshy-D changed his name to the symbol "\" claiming that it brings him closer to his latin roots. Attempts at a solo comeback failed miserably especially because of the fact that he didn't even try one. At last contact, it was believed that "\" was still struggling with his, uh, "creative differences".
The Marine was myseriously transported off the stage at the Hon-Dah Casino and Buffet in Whiteriver, AZ while touring with Herman's Hermits and Peter Frampton's little brother.
Pfhor Fingers settled down in Des Moines, IA where he now heads a profoundly successful E-business Solutions company that actually installs carpet. Fingers is married to Joan Fingers, and has three children; Tommy Fingers, Holly Fingers, and M'fr'nak'tar Fingers. They have a dog named Pepper.
BOB now enjoys a comfy position as a speech-writer for rich and powerful corporate executives. He has written the well known "THEY'RE EVERYWHERE" speech for Orkin Extermination and "THANK GOD IT'S YOU" was written by BOB for The Prudential Property and Casualty Insurance Company. BOB is also a good friend of the Pope, a regular volunteer at the Red Cross, and is currently working on a doctorate in airlock engineering. He also spends a lot of his time at the mansion of his new best friend, Hugh Hefner.
Little is known about Jones and Seropian except for what Bill Gates(tm) has allowed us to know. It is believed that soon after the breakup Gates bought the souls of Alex and Jason and is now forcing them to work on several productions within the Microsoft Empire. Some say that they are behind the "Bill Gates is nothing like Josef Stalin" image campaign as well as the "Looook into the Microsoft hypnoto spheeeere, yeees, LOOOOOOOOOOOK into the sphere, you are now under our controool!" commercials.
Will there ever be a comeback? Will there ever be a farewell tour? Will a compilation of unreleased material ever surface? Pete Townshend of The Who and Gene Simmons of KISS, whose bands are perpetually on farewell tours, fearing competition, hope not.
Such is the rise and fall of the UESC All-Stars. Join us next week for VH1's Behind the Music: GNOP!.
Until then, LOOK INTO THE MICROSOFT HYPNOTO-SPHERE, YESSSS, LOOOOOOOK INTO THE SPHERE AH HA HA HA!.....
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